Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Masked Drinker's Guide to Meeting Girls

When telling bar stories, there’s one question that I get more often than most any other, from both seasoned drinkers and teetotalers. I guess it’s a basic question and all but it was embarrassing and annoying the first time I heard it, and it doesn’t get any better from there. So I’m going to try to put it to rest for good, like when my dog went blind and kept bumping into shit.

The question being, “How do you meet girls in bars?”

Now, a little background is needed here. Now, this might shock you, but I have never once been voted People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. Hell, I wasn’t even nominated! In fact, I barely made the top 100 Sexiest Humans Around list for the Dragon Magazine’s list two years ago. I’ll put it this way: I’m out of shape, I often reek of alcohol, and I have hair on my back. It’s the sort of combination that young women tease each other about one day dating (and sadly, often end up doing so).

So it’s not like I walk around and shoot sex pheromones at every girl I see, waiting for them to fall on my crotch. But, by all accounts, I do OK. I date fairly frequently, tend not to have awful dry spells, and I even do meet girls in bars occasionally. So people that know me are reasonably surprised by this, so they tend to talk about it. Other, more tangential associates (read: other barflies) get wind of it and want to know “my secret.”

Well, it’s no secret, really. I haven’t perfected some insane manipulation scheme involving “conversation starters” and generally being the biggest douche in town. So you might understand my frustration when people take me for some sort of womanizing mastermind. I mean I guess there
's always some guy that thinks that there's some system to break, and THAT must be why he can't get a date. It's never his fault for not being charming enough or for having constant eye boogers or the poor girl just isn't interested. It's just because he never cracked the system. And the guys that think they have, simply have discovered that people with low self-esteem want attention, even from creeps.

So, here's the big plan, the big secret: don't go to bars to meet girls. Seriously, don't do it. It's lamer than a horse that's about to be shot. Now, I'm not admonishing you about the "low character" or some noxious bullshit about women you might meet there. You meet the same kind of girls in a bar that you would anywhere else, except it's just a bit more likely they enjoy a good drink as well. The emphasis is don't go to bars in order to meet women. Go to bars to have fun. Go with friends, go by yourself, but either way, go to have fun. Enjoyment of booze and friendly company are the only legitimate reasons to go to a bar (unless your tv's on the fritz and the game is on [or Project Runway's season finale for that matter]). If meeting girls is your motivation, guess what! You're going to fuck it up.

You'll either try some terrible line or nervously try making conversation, and the whole thing will be painfully obvious to everyone involved. And nobody wants that kind of bullshit going round. I have never, in my life, met a girl when the night started with that as my intention. I won't say this lesson was quick or easy to learn, but hopefully I can save you folks some pain.

"Oh, but Masked Drinker, how will I ever meet a girl then? And didn't you say that you've met girls in bars?"

Shut up, hypothetical reader, and let me continue to explain. I was saying that you should go out to a bar with your friends to have fun. Over time, I've realized that a man is never more attractive than when he's happy and joking with his pals (of any gender). If you want to attract women, be attractive to them. Hungry vultures and practiced bullshitters are not attractive to anyone you actually want to meet. But a charming, content guy with nary a care in the world? That's what you should aim for, really. And even if you don't end up accidentally attracting some girl, who the hell cares? You're having fun anyway talking about He-Man or Pete Rose or particle physics or Global knives or whatever else it is you might want to talk about.

Now, I'm not sure how this works for lesbians or gay guys, but I will say I've never been to a gay bar that wasn't basically the funnest place in the world. So hopefully that works out, too.

Anyway, the point is: drink up and have fun. That's all that matters in the end.

retarded photoshop by the Masked Drinker


  1. heya ..um masked drinker - almost blew your cover for ya there - nice article, kool blog. I'll be back!


  2. You ever notice that guys who go for those pick-up artist things usually play a lot of video games? (Yeah, I know, I should talk, but shut up and let me finish.) It's like they're looking for a cheat code for pussy.

    There is no cheat code for pussy. There is no FAQ, either. It's like Duck Hunt; you just have to keep firing until you hit something.

  3. What I want to know is, what serial killer buddy is having the casual conversation about Global knives at a bar? Is this a topic to possibly pick up in another article? Please? With photos so we know ... well, y'know, "topics to avoid with this fellow!"