Tuesday, January 6, 2009

A veritable box of communication

Welcome all to the happiest place on the internet. I, Colonel J.R. Harmon, was perusing this giant collection of nerds and pornography from my ancestral estate whose location I do not wish to reveal and it occurred to me that there was no real home, no central headquarters for that noblest of lifestyles, that of The Drinker. Sure, you’ll find dozens of oenophilic sites filled with the minutia of the grape. Indeed, dunder-headed youths of once-storied Greek associations might belabor to type rudimentary tales of their “keggers” and vomiting that would cause an actual Ancient to blush. And, yes, there are many sites of note that review various alcohols at varying degrees of competency. All this is true and most evident.

But I found nothing in my many wasted hours of searching on this infernal machine that truly was dedicated to the lifestyle of a real drinker. A gentleman or lady who knows exactly what he or she likes, and enjoys it like a true aficionado or, truly, an artist whose medium is imbibery. I quickly decided to found and fund an organization to rectify this. I don’t wish to sound impolite, but through hard work, good family, and years of penning men’s adventure novels, I have amassed no small amount of wealth. And rather than see it fall into the hands of my cultureless offspring or, worse, my even-more-spoiled grandchildren, I have poured it into the site you are now reading.

I purchased office space in Brooklyn, New York, no stranger to the love of liquor, as I had been advised struggling artists and writers paved the streets there like gold in the land of Oz. Lo, I was truly advised well, as I was flooded with a multitude of so-called talents from every corner of the globe, yet now residing in said borough. The selection process was harrowing; I do believe some lost not only their chance at artistic fulfillment but also their very minds. But in time, I selected a team the likes of which have not been seen since Clark Savage, Jr. and his companions.

In this group you will find experts in every field related to the true liquid of life and love. You have brewers, bartenders, trained palettes, esteemed debauchers, and more, all at the top of their respective games. So I hope you come to enjoy our discussions, articles, artwork, fiction, and whatever else it is you can put on a computer these days. (They have come a long way from helping us crack Kraut codes, so I suppose they deserve their current esteem in a way.) Feel free to electronically mail either myself or any member of our staff with comments, questions, or adoration.

It is already, and will continue to be a privilege to provide you with this tribute to one of life’s few true treasures.

Yours in truth and in time,
Col. J. R. Harmon, Ret.

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